Up late

OO. English. Ibubuhos ko muna yung taenang nararamdaman ko. Sa English.

It's what? Almost 1am and still I'm up like an owl. Who then said that sleeping late is bad for the health? Really? Even if I get approximately 5-7 hours of sleep-mostly during the daytime, in jeepney rides and yes, during boring classes-is it wrong to stay up-late?

Why do I stay up-late? No matter how I try I just can't stand other people around me. They're so damn busy figuring out how to get my attention just to what? Make me do something they wanted me to do. I hate obligations. I don't like doing chores. I hate responsibilities. I hate everything else that I don't think I need to do.

F*ck this damn life. Am I a doll or what? I still feel you know? I am alive. I am existing!

I haven't figured out what's ahead of me.. Or what I want to do with my life, but then again, HEY! I want to figure this out on my own. Can't you just back off and cut down on your lessons from your life when you were at my age? And yes, drop your suggestions! You keep 'em pushing at me, nagging at me, making me feel guilty as if I am doing something wrong!

Yes, I am just another b*tch who wants to be alone as if I already can. But then how can I learn if you drop down your "you should do this" on me? Do this, do that. Yeah right. As if I really understand what you say. As if I really want what you want for me.. As if it's best for me..

Do you of all people understand me? Do you know me? You said you don't. Then why don't you do something? I don't ever feel you reaching out towards me. I never got the kind of encouragement I expect from you.

And to think I saw my things that were supposed to be so damn messy fixed and cleaned tonight. You always assume that you make things better. You don't. 'Cause by fixing up my own things for me, you only make things worse. You make me feel incapacitated. As if I can never do it on my own.

As if I haven't figured out my life. And you have already figured it out for me. You got that one wrong. You can fix it up again and again, and I'll mess it around again and again until I fix it up on my own. And if it's not good enough for you, you can try meddling. That's the only thing you're good at. Meddling with other people's things, life, affairs.

I'm not some appendage to your body that you have to take care of anymore. I think I can do well on my own, thank you. Can you just, be there when I need you. And like intervene when I'm really "messed up". Yes I need help. Help is not doing it for someone else.. It's like supporting, backing up another's plans, dreams, lifting up their spirit, hopes, dreams.

I stay up late because I want to. Because I can think more clearly when it's quiet. The night is my silent refuge. A companion who listens to my secrets, my fears, my hopes.. The only time where my wishful thinking and dreaming is allowed..

I stay up late, because you're sleeping. And you don't see me. It is during this time that I am. I AM. And I can think clearly. Look back on what happened earlier this day. This week. Last month. Last year. Figure out what went wrong and why it went wrong.. And think about how to make it right. Yet never make it right. Fail and fail, try and try.

Yes, perhaps my life is a dirtbag. I may have not done something productive, but we're getting at it. I'm getting at it. I just need to learn a few tricks of my own.

By the way, thanks for the help and encouragement you NEVER gave.

Para sa nanay ko. Ayoko mag-nursing. Kahit abutin ako ng 10 taon sa UP. Tatapusin ko ang course ko.
Yuck. Angst Post. Hehe.
At least nailabas ko na sa dibdib ko itong sama ng loob na ito.