No fairy tale ending

This is what I wanted. This is what I got.. I didn’t knew back then if I was lucky or unlucky to lose you. No, to think I never did lose you.. You are always there.. You still are.. It was me.. It was what I wanted.

And, for the first time in months.. I cried because of the things you said. Things I wondered why they were never there.. Or maybe they were, I just didn’t see. I just didn’t hear. The way I never saw and heard and felt what you were trying to say before. How have I been selfish! Too self-absorbed!
I broke down and literally cry.

It felt good, releasing all of these feelings inside me. The pain, the guilt.. and more of the pain that I failed you. I left you. And I made you agree to what I wanted.. To give up on us. I forced you to. It wasn’t really mutual.
Back then I always thought you would fit in into my vision. This stupid vision of having prince charming sweep me off my feet, make me smile and laugh, and then we’d live happily forever. I kept on picturing you as a fairy tale prince-which you aren’t. I kept on weighing how much you have done for me. That while I was thinking I need you.. I was completely ignorant of how you might have needed me too. While in this relationship, I was receiving more than I was willing to give.

And it was my fault my love passed me by.. Passed before my eyes.. slipped through my hands.. Not because I let it go.. But because I didn’t hold on to it.
Flowers would have been nice.. You only gave me one. And it died before I got home and placed it in a vase.. This is reality. Flowers die. Love dies. You can’t treasure it forever.. It has it’s own end.. but only if you don’t take good care of it.
I used to hate the songs you listen to. You always told me I will like them. And as I listen to the songs you placed in my mp3 player.. as they loop over and over again.. I realized I do like them.. If I had only listened to you..

But you’re not here anymore.. I miss our childhood similarities.. The way we’d enjoy any electronic gadgets.. The way you’d let me win when we play arcades.. Sometimes I miss all of your text messages.. I miss you.. The way you talk when we’re together.. Your happy eyes.. Your smile.. That particular laugh when I tell jokes that I swear nobody else would laugh at.. The way you would never EVER kiss me in a public place and hold my hand instead.. The way you lead me across the street.. The way you’d make me laugh away at my fears.. Or the way you’d shake you head in dismay every time I’d trip while walking then laugh how clumsy I am.. How we’d eat a lot.. I miss the donuts..

But there’s no use of reminiscing all of these.. I can hurt and cry right now all I want.. but only the memories would remain..
It still hurts but I’m sober now.. Haven’t got over it totally.

No fairy tale ending here.