Sleep comes easy

Yes I get tired, yes sometimes I feel overused. Sometimes I feel that going to work everyday doing the same 2 hour trip from Bulacan to Makati (and Makati to Bulacan) will eventually kill me.
But I would not exchange the comfort of home. Not just the house, not just my room, not just my pc, not just my pc, not just my pc (I had to repeat that. LOL.).. I would not exchange being with my family for the comfort of travel, of being free, of being on your own.

I slept through lunch today. I had this pain in my heart as if I missed something really really important. I missed being with them again. (Which is actually ironic due to the fact that even when I’m at home back when I was not yet working, I’m always in front of the PC and we rarely talk) If we rarely talked before, imagine us now that I’m working. We almost never talk.

We say our goodmornings if they see me before I leave the house. We still say our goodnights if I arrive early and they’re still not sleeping. Sure mom tries to do some casual conversation when I get home, but even then I feel tired from work, I just want to have a nice rest.. so I end up snapping at mom saying “Ma, please, enough with the sermon.” or “Yeah yeah yeah, I’ll do that later Ma.”

Sometimes I feel their disappointment when I eat my dinner upstairs, dinner is the one place that we could actually sit together and perhaps talk about one’s day, one’s week, one’s job, one’s worries.. and so on.

Dad doesn’t talk to me (almost) anymore. I know he feels a bit mad about me not going to school and finishing my degree. I also know his ego got struck when I defended my cause to work by, “You need money to pay for your medicines, and by working I would be able to take care of my own ass. So go buy yourself medicines with your money. I have my own now.” No-no-no, I shouldn’t bring the medicine topic again.

Working is my security. It kept me away from the insecurities I had in my mind. It kept me away from thinking too much about anybody in the family dying *knock on wood*, and then I would have to take responsibility of bringing home the bacon. It kept me away from worrying how I could contribute to cost cutting without cutting the time I use my pc (Yeah I could be really selfish sometimes *wink*). It kept me away from worrying too much of my little sister, who I know I would eventually have to take care of, just in case mom and dad dies *rampant knocking on wood*.

Working kept me away from hurting too much, it had me preoccupied. It kept me away from crying, hurting, and pathetically pitying myself because of (S). If I wasn’t working right now, I would’ve drowned in tears.

That reminds me of a scene last night, and early this morning. Somebody is celebrating her debut right now, and everyone is invited, including (S). Somehow I do not want to see him again. No, not yet. I just want to walk away from him, I don’t want to recall neither the feelings nor the pain. That would be unfair for my baby.

There is no room for (S) in my heart anymore. But I know I might still be weak enough to accept everything that happened, (I need another one of Kams’ bitch slaps here.. haha) and I might end up crying in front of everybody in the party. Now THAT would be dumb. There have been so much suffering that even though I moved on already, the pain still remained. Not good to see him again with a wound in my heart open for everybody to see.

And when it comes to everything else in my life, I am happy. I’m happy with my work, happy with Jason (putanginang cheesy moment na naman!), happy with my salary (ginastos ko na nga kahapon. Hahaha.), happy happy.

I am so happy, sleep comes easy. No weariness comes to haunt me at night. No fears affecting me too much. Sleep comes easy because of all the comfort and security I feel. Sleep is no longer an escape from reality, it has now become what it should be: rest. And when I wake up, I smile and welcome the morning with open arms.
Can’t wait for tomorrow to come.