Fall Apart

You rise from sleeping on top of your desk. Tear stains your cheeks and your eyes are red and tired. You blink. You wished all of it was just a dream you could forget.
People say mean things when they are hurt. Being away from the one you love the most surely pains us a lot. But why the sting? Why do people turn sour when they’re away from each other? Maybe it’s because of the distance itself. It’s hard to express love to someone who isn’t physically there, at least that’s how it goes for me. And when you could not overcome the barrier, you start to hate yourself, or hate the other person. In turn you could say really cruel things.
Why do you get hurt? Maybe it’s because you love that person to much and being incapable of reaching out, literally reaching out, to feel your loved one makes you a lonely person. And if you’ve become a lonely person already, you start to doubt.
A person in doubt cannot learn how to love. Because love is not love without trust. When two people are across a distance, they start to ask questions like: “what’s he/she doing, where’s he/she, who’s he/she with.”
You pout your lips and wondered what wet wrong. You wonder if you had meant the unkind words you said. Yep, maybe you did.
Being in a relationship would yield you to be unselfish. You should not think only of yourself, you should be able to understand your partner well. And maybe even understand even before he/she starts explaining. But when you refuse to (understand), and when you say compromising is out of the question, it’s no longer about “we” or “us”. It’s about the “I” in the relationship. And when you only focus on the “I”…
You shake your head. Yes, you’ve been so selfish these days. But then if you were to count…
A person cannot ask for something he/she cannot give. That’s a good motto when it comes to a relationship. If the person isn’t asking you to make sacrifices, don’t expect that person to make sacrifices for you either. But when you compare the things you are able to do, and the things the other person is incapable of doing, when you realize that the relationship is becoming a one-way street, you think again. You think more, you think deeply, wanting to find logic. But love has always been illogical for you.
As if your thoughts triggered your sad feelings, you let those tears out again. You try to stop, but the pain envelops you. Your whole body, your whole being. You wallow in the loneliness for a while, until you drown yourself in the pain.
It’s been a two-way street you thought. Just so happened that roads leading to him were wider, and roads leading to you were narrower. You complain about not getting enough. You forget that the things you give were freely given, and that they were not meant to be returned. If you had expressed your love in a greater way, it can be returned in the same amount or not. You used to be content, you tried to control the tears. But one can only be content for so long until one becomes insatiable again.
Greed- it is the desire to crowd into a moment all the enjoyment it could hold. It is an excessive desire, to keep on asking for more. Maybe that’s what you did, you ask more than what could be offered.
You frown. You ask him as if he’s in front of you, “Do you have anything to offer?” And then, you count. “I’ve given you so much, so freely. You take away almost everything and what do I get back?”
What do I get back?
You no longer felt the tears coming, but they did.
And outside, the rain begins.