Pondering the word-for-the-day

I am a person full of pride. I’d rather hide myself away from the public rather than showing any signs of weakness. For me, the weak do not deserve to live unless they acknowledge their weakness and do something about it.

But it would be more shameful for me if I do not admit that I have weaknesses. I am no risk taker actually. If there is one thing I am scared of, I am very afraid to get hurt.

I had suicidal intentions when I was in highschool. Let me clear that for those who have pea sized brains: I thought about killing myself and almost wanted to do so. But it almost never materialized. It was what I said it was: intentions. Nothing more, nothing less. I was too chicken when I felt the knife grazing my skin.

I am afraid of getting hurt physically.

I think love is a game. Before you think of any notions about what I said, just think of it this way: It’s like gambling. You get all or nothing. You have to give it all to get the jackpot. If you don’t risk your pot money, you don’t get a lot in return. Though, sometimes love is like a very very unfair gamble that even if you bet your all in it, you won’t even get anything in return.

I am afraid of getting hurt emotionally.

I know that one of the things that separate mature people from stupid, immature people is the ability to make decisions. Not just decision making, mind you. It’s actually being capable of making the right, or at least sensible decisions. I am scared of being at fault. I am scared of responsibilities.

I am afraid of being held liable.

Some people think that having a relationship means nothing more than added expenses, having sex and limitations. Some feel that it is like a cage where you are emotionally and physically deprived of your whole being. It is a commitment, and that means flirting is a no-no. It is a give-and-take relationship where there are actual demands to be met, decisions that must be consulted with one another. It is a joint effort: raise the red flag of compromise. On the negative side, some take for granted the relationship.. and worse comes to worst: people take for granted the person who they are with.

I am afraid of love itself.

Having said that, I am very happy to say that I’ve just taken the biggest risk of my life. I am starting over my life. I’ve already chosen to put the cherry where it belongs. I have already chosen the cherry.Now that I have this almost perfect life, I want to go steady with it. It means I don’t want to make stupid decisions anymore. It means I don’t want to be fickle and I want to be more open minded and understanding of all the circumstances that pass my way.

That includes Jason. My gawd I still ask myself sometimes how I fell for the child. (Kams! And then I said he’s too young. Rofl.) But it was a risk. That boy!! He actually used my own words against me. Haha.

You see Jason and I were friends long before we became lovers. Rofl. I can’t help but smile (the smile is more of a smirk actually). We used to exchange problems. Yeah, exchange as in, if I have an exam due tomorrow, he’d do it for me. And if he has a project due the next day, I’ll be the one doing it. (AMP. Maniwala sa example uto uto.)

We used to talk about our love interests as if we were the best of friends. I told him that loving is a risk. You may or may not receive something in return, if you’re not willing to take the risk.. you’ll get nowhere.

And I remember so clearly when he said that the only question-the last thin line that must be crossed-is whether I am willing to take the risk. (This is pertains to OUR relationship) So I said I want to, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will. So I asked him, if he were to decide, what would he choose between being friends, being lovers and being something in between (MU. Mga unggoy. Lol)? (Subliminal question: E ikaw? Willing ka ba itake yung risk?)

He answered, “Kung ano sagot mo, yun na rin sagot ko.” Wenk. If this was an exam he had already failed. Remember I said, decision making is a crucial part of life. Once you decided, it means you are liable for the things you said. It means your word is taken for, you must be true to your promises.

I racked my brain. Damn, am I just about to have a relationship with someone who is younger than me, and who apparently has the brains of a smitten highschool boy? So I asked him again, “You decide. Don’t ask me what I want. I can make my own decisions. I am OLD enough (and not to mention mature and capable enough) to make a decision.” (Subliminal thought: Be a man.) Lol.

Just an FYI, while we were talking about us, I have already placed one foot forward. All he has to do is meet me half way, which by telling me to decide for us meant he wants me to take one more step. I slapped my forehead with my hand and was about to tell him we wouldn’t get anywhere, when, for some unknown magical reason, he said he would want us to be more than more than friends.

He took the risk. I am willing to take mine. What’s left now is holding on to that decision.

I will not be scared of love, of getting hurt, of being responsible, of getting hurt, of compromise, of getting hurt, of getting hurt.
Taking the risk meant I have agreed to take my chances and to get hurt.

Note: Sinulat ko to dahil tinanong ako ni Yariv, paano naging kayo ni JCreator? Haha. Hindi daw niya maimagine.